Wednesday, December 13, 2017

F O U N D

Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see it
Well because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me

Jeremy Camp
Walk by Faith

My wife forced me to attend an Intensive Outpatient Program for 11 days after I was discharged. Our marriage was on the brink of divorce and the only way we were going to stay together is if I went. So, I did. My thoughts were severely disorganized because of paranoia. It ripped my mind to shreds leaving bits and pieces of memories floating around inside. I didn’t know what was real and what wasn’t. My mind was so full of things that might be, but were far from the truth. I believed people were following me. I believed “they” could read every thought I had. I believed devices were recording every move I made. It’s an exhausting, frightening, stressful state of mind to be in, always thinking someone or something is out to get you. Still, I was able to realize if I didn’t have my wife, I would be living beneath a bridge or lying dead on a sidewalk. That’s not a joke either. I was messed up. The I.O.P. allowed me to continue the medication regimen the hospital had set for me upon my release, but it was obvious it wasn’t helping. It also provided classes that focused on helping patients improve their coping skills and to be more assertive instead of passive. I still struggle with my assertiveness because of the diehard people-pleaser I am. I couldn’t be helped at the time because I thought the doctors and instructors were committed to my demise.


The next few months were difficult. My psychiatrist made a change in my medication which resulted in a steep increase in price. One out of the three medications I now take was over $800 per month out of pocket. On top of that, bills from the hospital stays rolled in reaching several thousands of dollars. It took many months of personal therapy, marital therapy, and visits to my psychiatrist to become stable enough to venture confidently outside of my home and for my marriage to begin breathing again.

This past year has been the hardest of my life. It has taught me that, with the right medication and support, happiness is possible. It tested my faith as a follower of Christ. There was a period of time where I believed God had abandoned me. I was lost. When my brain began functioning properly, I started to ask why everything happened, why I was given this curse. Then, one day, it clicked... Just kidding. It never clicked. I still haven’t figured out why I was destined to struggle the rest of my life. But I did realize something - just because you can’t see, hear, or feel God doesn’t mean He isn’t working in your life. My wife stood by me through the ugliest time of our marriage. My psychiatrist, who is a believer (he’ll never tell you that unless you get to know him), worked his ass off trying to find a combination of medications that worked for me... and he did it! Our families helped watch the kids for Abby and they visited me in the hospital. Friends visited me while I was hospitalized and followed up with me when I got out. The countless doctors, nurses, and therapists that helped me get well had the Spirit flowing through them. Everyone in my life during that time, I finally see, was part of God’s plan to treat me and place me on the road to recovery. As for me, I now understand that God not only surrounds every part of me, He lives inside of me. I can’t fail because He won’t fail me.

4 comments:

  1. I don't have the right words to say but I'll try. Your honesty is and is going to be a huge blessing for people. Your story is HIS story and he clearly has a loving hand as He writes it. God bless you and this blog and all who read it.

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  2. Thanks, Katie. Really means a lot. I hope it does help others

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  3. So proud of you and Abby, B. I wasn’t sure it was going to happen this way, but clearly He knew better than me!!!!

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